I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
