i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
