i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
