I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
