My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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