I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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