Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
