someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
