I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
