Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
