So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
