What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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