At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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