just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
