so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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