oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
