Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize