I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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