i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
