don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
It's never too late to be topless.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
