I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
