The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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