well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We were destined to go to rehab together
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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