remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
