I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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