I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
