She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Less talking, more tequila
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize