It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
