Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
