God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
