o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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