oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
