Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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