I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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