my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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