Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
