I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
