I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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