I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
