you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
