Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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