On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
