I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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