Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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