I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
