captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
