just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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