im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
