it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
