by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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