at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
