i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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