I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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