I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
