Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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