I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
