i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
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