i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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